Well crap, it’s that time of the year again. I was going to try and say something meaningful and witty but I recieved a lovely email from one of my best friends. Mark (AKA Hammer) is one special dude. He’s the big warm teddy bear who sings with me in the band, he coaches my daugher at baseball, and we hang out a lot. He’s funny, loves his wife and 4 girls and has a heart of gold. I’m going to post his letter because it brought a smile to my face and spread sparklies and fuzzies.

Family & Friends!

Mark McEachern

I wish all of you the best in 2010. I know it’s gonna rock!

Juliana

Hey all! Once again my buddy and fellow vocalist from Sexytime has written a guest blog! Enjoy!

Escape Reality with these Shows!

Most of the people who watch reality shows on a regular basis must really want to escape reality.

I am convinced of this. How else would you describe a person who watches the reality show Mr. Personality? First of all it’s hosted by Monica Lewinsky, who has a female contestant pick one guy out of 40 or more who wear nothing but a mask, or so I was told. Which makes sense….Monica’s personality was often judged by what we couldn’t see but could only imagine. So she was perfect for working with someone to try and pick a mate who liked to use props.

But if truth be told, I would have rather tuned into a “reality show” that had a blind-folded Monica trying to guess where a cigar was made.

Okay, maybe this doesn’t tickle your interest, but what do people find “real” in this world of reality television? For example;

Who wants to Marry My Dad? Another show that should have been put back in the classifieds under “Looking for a Mate” or something. If the dad really wanted to get married, why didn’t they just take him to Russia? What a waste of time…..so much for letting things happen naturally. How about a show called “Who wants to date my Dad”. Let’s take this thing in baby steps shall we?

Armed and Famous? First of all, pretty liberal use of the word “famous”. Latoya Jackson? Out of the 10 famous Jackson’s, isn’t she like #13? Anyways the show was about these wannabes working on the law enforcement somewhere in Indiana. How about Gary, Indiana? Let’s see them do a night shift there. Of course, most of them would know the ins and outs of law enforcement considering you needed a mug shot to be on the show. And LaToya getting tasered…..priceless. What they needed to do is scrap their original line-up and put Nick Nolte, Glen Campbell, Lindsay Lohan and Keifer Sutherland on the beat……..arresting people trying to steal airplane bottle out of the local liquor joint. That might have been real. And think about the car chases? Wouldn’t that be something?

Girl has to find out which Guy is Gay? I forget the actual name of the show, but this one didn’t need to take 3 months did it? How about 3 minutes? All they needed to do was put on Morrisey and the guy who danced the best to it…….well……….you could narrow it down couldn’t you?

The Biggest Loser? My daughter told me I should put on more weight and go on the Biggest Loser to make the family some money. Enough said.

The Real Housewives of Orange County? More like the real cost of divorce and cosmetic surgery. Everytime I catch a bit of this show, I’m waiting for Bob Barker to come out of their room and kiss them. They can’t work the washing machine, they can’t cook, they drink shots off their chest and they jump off their roof to get into their jeans in the morning…….I’m thinking they need a pimp.

Flavour of Love? For a guy who could eat a cob of corn through a snow fence, he sure can get the drag queens can’t he? Nice message…..look like you just got hit by a truck wear a clock on your chest and you sir are the right catch for a woman anytime! And he gets a girl called “New York” famous who works her way into three “reality” shows of her own……one being New York Goes to Work…..where the audience picks one out of three jobs she should go apply to. I’ll help her with this one…..since you made out with Flavour Flav…..you could probably clean the cheese graders for a local pizza parlour. Those things are just a bitch to clean aren’t they?

Who’s Your Daddy? For some women, this is more a shame than a reality show, not to mention a very confusing time on Father’s Day. So, let’s just leave it for the DNA to decide and shut the cameras off. Please. Didn’t we try this already anyways? Where is Jerry Springer these days?

Amish in the City? With all due respect, unless there is a candle party in the city somewhere, these people should not be forced to survive out of their element, should they?

The Littlest Groom? I guess it’s better than the trying to find the ugliest bridesmaid. I just think that it’s kind of sad when he and his wife are searching every arcade for the right gumball machine when they go look for his ring.

Temptation Island? The reality of this show is that you don’t need to go to an island to test how faithful you are to your mate, or vice versa. Most people already got put through this. It’s called their “stag night”, which usually ends with each couple covered in real cheap baby oil. And if you want to know if you passed the test, just check eveyone’s cell phone camera that went with you. This might be the only time where a picture tells the real story.

Married by America? More like who did America fall in love with. I thought this was called American Idol? Maybe I’ve got the two shows mixed up. Anyways, if you want to put them together, make sure you go get them a gift when they register at Wal-Mart. We’ll see how interested you are then, if you are so sincere at playing the part of Cupid.

Who wants to Marry a Millionaire? Probably everyone. That way they can divorce them and get half.

Confessions of a Teen Idol? Never saw this one, but I’m guessing that one of the confessions was that after wearing pop bottle glasses and pouring ketchup on his french fries, he finally admitted that he really didn’t know what kind of ketchup it was because he just couldn’t see. And who told that kid how to spell Oscar Meyer? That, I want to know!

You may or may not agree with me on my spin and take on these shows, but these reality shows and others like them are just a cheap way of exploiting people to get high ratings for those who produce them. It’s so sad. And the suggestion here is that the more un-realistic your show is, the higher rating you will receive by those who quite frankly want to escape the normality of their own lives.

I mean, I guess in their world, you can only watch CNN for so long.

Allright….please welcome another hilarious blog from my good buddy Hammer!

Enjoy!

Dear Mr. President of the U.S of Eh!

To President Barrack Obama

Dear Mr. President!

I’m a little late with this but congratulations on becoming the 44th President of the United States of America! Cheers to the days that lie ahead for you and best of luck! You’ve got a tough job!

Now, if you haven’t guessed by now, I’m a Canadian and we pay attention to what you do eh? We’ve all got CNN now up here, or can at least find it somewhere to watch it, so we’re informed. As soon as Anderson Cooper gets there, it’s like we’re all there, you know what I mean?

Anyways, I won’t keep you. I know you’re busy these days. But if you ever have a minute, I have a list of things I want you to take a look at and see if we can get this done. You know, change a few things, keep a few things the same and eliminate a few problems I see us having. Just a check list to keep things real, give us all hope that brighter days are ahead of all of us. I’m thinking these ideas could help both of ur countries, maybe. Even the world, I mght add.

So, here it is, my list Mr. President, for you to keep close by;

Let’s get the Octomom fixed. That’s enough kids I think. And we don’t need to see her in a reality show either. And she can come clean, we all know she wants to be Angelina Jolie. The lips are a dead giveaway. And now news that her stripper name was Angelina??? Please, enough already.

It’s in this order…keep the country safe, protect ACDC and keep the economy running smooth. And tell the banks to loosen up a bit.

Let’s put the guns away….like Ricky from the Trailer Park Boys once said “we don’t need guns guys, let’s talk this thing out.

Improve international airport security all over the world. Even if we all have to board these planes naked, let’s keep it tight. I don’t need to be on a plane in Jamaica and have a guy called “Genius” put a gun to my chin and ask for a trillion dollars. I’m on holidays for God’s sake and most of us don’t have that kind of money anyways. No more crazy people on planes.

If some of these other countries have nuclear weapons, and you know they’re going to use them on us, could you give us a heads up when it’s going to shake down? We all might want to get a few things in, such as a game of golf, some sex, go on a roller coaster, cut the lawn , etc,..before we crawl into a hole for a year eating nothing but Chef Boy Ardee.

Cut Dog the Bounty Hunter’s hair. I feel like I’m watching the Cowardly Lion arrest people. It’s so confusing, one has courage and the other doesn’t

Bring back the 80’s. Well, almost everything. Let’s not bring back those baggy Beaver Canoe sweatshirts on the women and I still don’t trust Boy George.

I just read today that music really bugs the Taliban. If this is true, and you want them to come out of the mountains…blast Nirvanna’s music at them. I gotta believe they’ll surrender

Don’t touch Las Vegas. Leave it the way it is. It’s fine. We need it!

Somebody put the steriods in the food, which brought on the hormones quicker, resulting in young kids going to university and college way to early, meaning that none of them have any job experience because they didn’t work growing up, which ultimately killed the workforce and got us in this global mess in terms of the dreadful economy we are now living in. So, let’s take the syringe out of the tomatoes in January and do what we used to do….fail the kids if they are stupid. And take the automated cashier out of society and put someone to work and make them figure out how much change you should get from a $20.

We could wipe out road rage entirely if we had a drive thru for sex. “Would that be everything today sir? Actually, can I get a rub and french kiss with that please? Thanks.”

If you can get a million guys to march one day…….give them all a garbage bag and tell them to clean up there town when they get back home. You always have to think about the environment, even when people are protesting it!

It’s Merry Christmas. If you want to celebrate something else on December 25th…beat it!

How do you fix the graffiti problems???….easy… take these little buggers into a tattoo parlour and graffiti them….like put “Stupid” right across their forehead. I gotta believe it would stop.

Fix your coffee. It sucks. You’ve never got it right. Do something about it please. It’s about time.

Canada has the world’s tallest structure and the world’s longest bridge. But what we really need is for the 407 to give us a break on the toll road so we can spend that money on beer when we’re heading for the Cottage. See if you can’t talk to our Ontario government about it. That’s spelled “O-N-T-A-R-I-O.” It’s near Toronto.

Give us back Neil Young.

We invented the baseball glove and basketball. You’re going to have to come to grips with that.

Okay we get the Hannah Montana craze, but Billy Ray needs to go to acting school….quick.

We’ll give you 5,000 Canadian Geese for 5,000 cases of Bud Light Lime..straight up.

We all need a four-day work week. Plus one day each of U.E.I.

That will do for now. I’ll have some more ideas later. What I’ll do is call you on your Crackberry and give them to you. And as soon as we can all agree this roaming charge is a load of crap, the world will be a better place.

If it isn’t already………………..

Please note, some of the funnies are strictly Canadian! If there’s something you don’t understand, leave a note and Hammer will be more than willing to answer any questions!

Hammer’s Horoscope

I have been told that I have this connection with the moon and the inner self. I can’t remember who exactly told me this, but I know I was out in a field and there was a case of Molson Golden on the trunk of my car . It occured to me that I too had the power predicting future events or advice for future behaviour based on the diagram of the heavens and the position of the planets and the sign of the zodiacs.

Or just that maybe I’m just a good read on people when we’re all in a field drinking Molson Golden and staring at the moon.

Regardless, it’s time for your horoscope, Hammer’s Horoscope, given to you this day so that you are prepared for what might happen today as it relates to your birthday.

Your welcome.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan 19) – You are happy that anyone will talk to you today. Most of your views and perspectives are usually obtuse, but today is the day you discover acceptance because you’re going to a Tupperware party. Tonight: Act like it is Friday night.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb 18) – Self discipline continues to be a major issue. Don’t eat two Cinnabons at the mall today, try just one. Your frustration will lead you to burn the midnight “funny” oil this evening.

PISCES (Feb.19 – Mar. 20) – You’re like Lionel Ritchie in the sense that nobody can slow you down. You are the big fish in the pond. Your lucky number is 3. You’ll be going on a trip someday to get away from the kids. Your favourite letters in the alphabet are “L, C, B & O”.

ARIES (Mar. 21 – April 19) – Hit the gym. It’s about time isn’t it? Think “bar bell”, not “Taco Bell”. And let’s start paying some bills, like the bar bill, or the one that you shoved underneath the fruit basket at home. Let’s sharpen up.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Confusion easily could be the a.m. theme. The p.m is about order, as in Law & Order. Watch it tonight so you know what will happen if you keep up your current lifestyle. I see two left flip flops and a daily dinner of Kool Aid and baloney if you don’t make a commitment to change your ways.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20) -Make sure to dot your i’s and cross your t’s. And speaking of t’s, focus on the T4 instead of the Herbal and Orange Pekoe kind. You need to come clean with the government. That’s great you’ve got two SUV’s in the driveway, but how many people really work for you?

CANCER (June 21 – July 22) – You might be slow to start, but you finish the day energized. For this you can thank those Double “AA” batteries and Viagara. You are dependant on lot’s of things and this will catch up to you by the end of the week. Tonight: Whatever makes you happy.

LEO (July 23- Aug.22) – Yes it’s true that whater Leo wants, Leo gets. Which is why today, Leo should go get some penicillin. It’s time to get rid of whatever it is that’s been getting you down, or up, whatever the case may be.
VIRGO (Aug 23. – Sept 22) – Learn the power of delegating. And take people’s advice while you’re at it. They say you can stick your head up a cow’s rear end to look at the T-Bone but you especially need to take the butcher’s word for it. Don’t name that new dog “Stay”. It’s not a good idea.

LIBRA (Sept.23 – Oct.22) – Your imagination stirs up more ideas than you can handle, but let’s not try and re-invent the wheel this evening okay? Projects around the home will be completed if you just believe in the screws and wrenches of IKEA. Tonight: Could be a late one.

SCORPIO – (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) It’s a couple of boring days for you….things just are dull, vanilla, plain. You’ll have the urge to dig out a wool sweater and sit by the fire. Be sure not to accidentally crush the cat’s tail under the rocking chair.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 – Dec. 21) Your popularity and requests walk hand in hand this morning. Clearly, by the afternoon, someone demands your time and ideas. But that’s what you get for wearing a low cut shirt and a short mini skirt. Don’t fight the inevitable, go with the flow.

And Happy Birthday for Thursday April 2nd, 2009

You often find life a mixed bag. You either talk to everyone or clam up like a fugitive on COPS. The stars show the kind of day your going to have. Whatever that means. January will be cold for you this year and you will be unemployed by September. You should seriously consider having an affair to pay the bills. Drink lots of red wine because the Diet pop will kill you if you don’t stop. Your favourite number is 73. You’ll travel in August to a beach surrounded by seagulls and french fries. Cancer can be most annoying. So is getting on an elevator with smelly people listening to the B52’s for 16 floors. Money won’t be a problem, so long as you don’t pour it into those dirty VLT’s. The power will go out in your house sometime in May.

Hey all, a special treat. Marck McEachern is a good friend and one of the funniest dude’s I know. He sings with me in my band, plays ball on our mixed league and his wife while enjoying the odd glass of Two Oceans, joins along!

He writes a blog for the local Hockey Oldtimers, as well as a weekly re-cap of our ball league. I’ve asked him to contribute when he can to my blog, because well, I so enjoy reading his work. I pretty much told him he could write about whatever the hell he wants and this is his first entry!
Enjoy!

The Name Game

My name is Mark.

Now, I was told it was supposed to be Peter, according to my mother. She also said that the name “Whiskey” was passed around the table for me to have, as those celebrating my arrival decided that what they were drinking was just about as good a name as any.

Thank God they were not passing around Rum that night. I probably would have inherited a lot of nicknames not to my liking. Dumb, Scum, Bum, etc…..not good.

You see, I’m convinced the great majority of people don’t call other people by name because they don’t know how much it means to a person. Thus, we have to be very careful when naming our children. It’s a mark ( no pun intended here) of respect when a person calls you by your name. The person went to the trouble of remembering your name and using it. It makes you feel good that the person showed this recognition when so few bother to do so.

The problem is when people find your real name to be boring and decide to give you a nickname.

My nickname is “Hammer”. I have had it since I was 13 or 14. And now that I’m 40, I sometimes find it strange when one of my buddies calls me “Mark”. I think that they’re mad or something. For example, “Heah Hammer, come over here” ….I automatically think that I am going to hear a joke or maybe have to defend my friend on something he was accused of. But when I here “Mark, come over here” ….I feel like I’m either going to have to explain myself to someone for something I’ve done or that it’s something serious.

I have had other nicknames too. Some of those include “Mad Dog”, “Meestir”, “Scooby” and “Little Al”.

And when you get this nickname, those people who you don’t know will draw their own conclusions. For example, you’re in a bar and someone introduces you to their friend called “Squirrely”. Yeah, this is nice. I’m in a bar with a guy called Squirrely. Geez, I wonder if I should keep and eye on him. Or how about when you’re in the army and the guy beside you in the bunker’s nicknmae is “Chicken”?? Yikes.
So close your eyes….wait a minute, don’t close you’re eyes…I need you to read this. I want you to visualize what the following people might be like, or look like, smell like even…just draw your conclusions of what you think when you hear the nicknames; Boom Boom Belinda. Rusty. Patches. Nails. Lizard. Pipes. Rat. Buster. Stretch. Flapper. Stubby. Horsey. Piggy. Tiger. Slobby. Geek. Goggles.

We listen to the name and draw our own conclusions to what that person looks like, is like, acts like…al by the name we hear.

So, all I’m suggesting is let’s be careful when we play the Name Game. We must not make the mistakes that others have made when naming their children. For example, I’m not so sure the following mothers and fathers thought this through when they named their children “Anita Lay” or “Bill Board”….”Brooke Trout” ,”Don Key”, “Helen Backe”, “Hugh Jorgan” or “Tim Burr”. Maybe it’s just me, but they all could have take a couple of more minutes before slapping those names down on a birth certificate.

It’s tough, the Name Game”, don’t get me wrong. I should know, because I had to name four of my daughters. Now, I’m not saying we got it right, but we settled on Olivia, Ava, Sofie and Maci.
And it was just the other day where I read that three of those four names were found in the Top 100 Baby Names in Canada for 2008 in the girl’s category, this according to babycenter.ca. The name “Ava” was at #8, “Sophie” was at #14 and “Olivia” was found at #15. However a quick search on todaysparent.com reveald that Ava was #1 and Olivia was #3 and Sophia or Sofie was found at #10.
I guess what this means is that my wife and I picked some names that a lot of people seemed to like for girls, which is fine I guess. We all seemed to have our “Ava” in mind when we were figuring out how she would come into this world.
Maci???? Well I can’t find her in the Top 100, but maybe there is only Maci in the world and she happens to be mine. So, it makes me happy that we settled on that name.

The boys? Well in 2008, todaysparent.com had Ethan, Nathan, William, Jacob, Noah, Samuel, Matthew, Joshu, Benjamin and Alexander in their Top 10, in this order.

I just hope we all have a name or a nickname we like. I understand that you can change your name and I know some people who have done so, but for me, it’s too confusing to remember their new name most of the time. For example, one day it’s “Hello Tyrone Jackson”. And then the next time you see him it’s “Sorry sir, but my name is Jamal Anderson now.”

Thank God we don’t do this with street addresses.

At least someone knows us by a name I guess, one that night not be to our liking, but a name to put on a template or a business card somewhere.

Just do me a favour will ya???? Don’t ask me why they call me “Hammer”. I don’t need a bunch of women ringing my doorbell this evening.

Thanks.